A "Hen" can tell how intelligent you are! (Part II)

***May I have your attention! Here are the final answers***

Imagine this is an interview question that your interviewer is about to ask you.  If your answer is one of the below. You should know how intelligent you are!

1. Gained $2.00 – You are rational; you math skill is only fine, but not good! You are great to be a regular customer and a follower. You won’t be hired.

2. Break even or earned $3.00 – You are quite subjective and always neglect details. Be patient and you need to think more. You won’t be hired.

3. Gained $38 or had 4 more hens – You have great imagination and are creative. You definitely can be an excellent politician or philosopher because they love to dream and they always lie without solid evidence. You won’t be hired.

4. Gained $1.00. You are good. You know the basic of how to make businesses work and you can be an entrepreneur. You may be hired.

5. Lost $2.00. Congratulations! You are a genius and you are hired. (Originally, you had the hen at $8.00; you could sell it at $11.00. If you had done it, you would have made $3.00. However, you didn’t. You only made $1.00 instead. As a result, you lost $2.00.)

Cotton Boy didn’t have the best answer. No wonder he is still working at a drugstore! May Santa come to rescue him!

A "Hen" can tell how intelligent you are! (Part I)

"Hey, Cotton Boy! Are you interested in testifying how smart you are? I have an IQ question for you,” my friend said with a big grin on his face. “Certainly, I maybe look like I am daydreaming all day; in fact, I am super sophisticated and intelligent. Go ahead, what is the damn question?” I declared.

Here you go!

You were at the market, purchased a “Hen” at $8. Then, you sold the “Hen” to someone in the market at $9. Later on, you wanted the “Hen” back at the cost of $10. At the end, you sold the “Hen” at $11.

How much did you make? You have ONE (1) minute to think!
Your answer will be a good indicator telling you who you are and what you should be ! I will reveal the answer with a very funny but truthful and logical explanation at 11:30PM (Eastern Time) tonight.

See ya all later!

"I got money; you guys have problems!"

"What are you talking about? I got money! You guys have problems," she slammed her palms on the cashier desk; a huge thud resonated in the air waking up the nearby customers. A dozen pairs of eyes instantaneously were gazing towards me and imploring to find out what was happening. “Sorry, mam. Your cards were declined,” I reinstated. She vehemently and angrily uttered some words to condemn me for not giving her the merchandizes. I reinforced my statement, “I am sorry!” She walked away and exited the store. A few minutes later when the crowd had dissipated, I pondered over the entire incident. “Why am I always the one apologizing? I didn’t do anything wrong. She initiated all the dramatic occurrences.” She had better not come back to the store. I will definitely confront and slap her sorry face before she sputters another cussing word from her witchy mouth.

It happened at 5:40 PM yesterday while I was being a cashier at the drugstore. A lady pushing a shopping cart with around 10 items questioned, “Please check these items’ prices.” I verified. She hesitated and said, “I thought they were on sale.” “Yes, the prices have been reduced. They are on sale.” I replied. She glared at me and said, “Alright, I will take all.”

I scanned the items one by one and it came up the total of $35.25. She searched her purse and took out a credit card and swiped it. The transaction failed. I politely claimed, “I am sorry. Can you swipe your card again? The transaction did not go through.” “What?” she exclaimed, but she tried again. The result was the same. Repeatedly, I apologized and asked her, “Do you have another card or other payment methods, such as cash or check?” She frowned and exhibited her two other credit cards to me. She wiped one-two-three-four more times. The screen only displayed the word, “DECLINED”. I repeated my statement, “I am sorry!” She shook her wrathful head and spat out, “What? I just paid the bills. Each card should have a thousand dollar. You are wrong” “I am sorry. If the transaction cannot be completed, I am not able to give you the merchandizes. I can hold the items for you until tonight.” She reiterated and yelled back several times, “I had money. You guys are so wrong!”

To stop the fiasco, I no longer made any comments and grabbed the goods into the basket and placed it behind me. I certainly had no more energy to listen to all these fabricated bullshit stories. Does she think I was born yesterday and kind enough to allow her to take anything without paying? I don't feel sorry for her, but I absolutely feel sorry to myself of saying sorry so many times!

Here in America. No free lunch! That’s what we call, “Captialism”.

Do you want some "string" to hang yourself?

Life is tough; Cotton Boy’s life is even tougher. You may call me a whiner or address me “What a loser! You are in America; everyone works their butts off. You can’t just stay at home, imagining yourself on top of the clouds and sucking your cotton candies. Suck your fingers instead as eventually you will empty your last dollar in your pocket. Be productive and be a man” These were the ruthless statements which my friends kept nagging or even yarning at me once in a while in the past.

“Enough is enough! Alright! I will show you all that I am not a couch potato or a single cell parasite”, I retaliated and despised each remark. Now, I have jobs; I even have three part-time jobs and a web blog to write. All of the sudden, life is such as a rush. A day of time lapses before I can take a deep breath and introspect what I have accomplished each day. I guess all the tasks I am given to complete are not memorable enough but are sufficient to feed my hungry piggy bank.

I worked yesterday at the drug and pharmacy store. I was so glad that I was not assigned working at the cashier desk, scanning items and greeting customers with a big innocent smile. I remember by the end of the previous shift, my lower jaw hurt as I curved my lips upwards and squinted my eyes too much.

“Cotton Boy, you will be replenishing the inventory and fill up the shelves today,” my supervisor claimed. I was euphoric at first that I didn’t have to deal with customers and my task was just restocking. “Nice! What a piece of cake!” I tittered. My thought was naïve; in fact, I received many more questions than standing at the price scanner. When customers finish their shopping, all they want is to get out of the store hurriedly. When they are roaming inside the store and can’t designate their desired items. They come to me. I pretend I don’t hear and see anything, and keep stocking the goods on the shelves until a man with a brushy mustache, wearing a torn blue jean and pointed cowboy boots asked, “Do you have strength?” “Strength?” I murmured and clarified, “Sir, do you want to find something to brace your hands or feet and increase the strength?” “No! It is not [strength]; I want [string]”, he spoke back. “What kinds of strings do you want? Strings for sewing or strings for tying?” I answered. (I really want to say “String for hanging yourself up?” Of course, I dared not speak it out.) “No! I want some strings for flying kites,” he responded

I was so smart and witty to deliver a quick reply without thinking much, “Sorry Sir, we don’t sell kites’ string now. We only have it during summer!” He thanked me and walked away.

Come on, people! Don’t be so lazy to construct a proper question! I don’t deliver unclear or ambiguous questions. Think before you ask. If he had elaborated clearly by saying, “Do you sell strings for flying kites?” All the misunderstandings wouldn’t have occurred and he may have gotten what he wants.  

What a big deal? It is just a "Lighter".

Cotton Boy loves money, loves dreaming and loves to be rich; he prefers just floating up in a clear blue sky and letting the wind blow him along with the snow white clouds restlessly. The mild breeze, the spectacular sunshine and the chirping sound from birds are the adorns and garnishes while Cotton Boy is laying on top of a vast piece of cuddly cotton clouds, lapping his cotton candy with his eye close harmoniously. In contrast, Cotton Boy hates working hard with tiny rewards and hates toiling all day for just a few dollars. 

Yet a dream is a pure dream, reality is always cruel and merciless. When you turn your piggy bank upside down, shake it crazily to trickle every single gold coin out of it. I get panic when the piggy is losing weight progressively. “I have to find a solution. Get a job, maybe two or even more whatever I can sustain,” I declared with my head held high.

After couple months of frenzied search, I obtained 3 part-time jobs. One of the jobs which I am conducting is being a cashier at a nationwide drugs and pharmacy chain store. It sells everything as if I was amidst a flea market, surrounded by hundreds of people looking for laurels. I greet customers robotically, scan the check out items and listen to all the bullshit matters from numerous insane people. Yesterday at around 7 pm, a brawny woman in her 40’s stood in front of me, demanding something with a deep coarse voice, “I need a Big lighter.” First, I thought what a weird request she had. Any sizes of lighters can ignite a cigarette, right? However, as the old proverb states “customers are always right”, I kept my mouth shut. I turned around, found and handed her the biggest lighter in the store. She was speechless first, then opened her hippopotamus mouth with a front tooth missing, “No, Big! Big! Big!” Her dark grimed second finger was pointing at the location where we displayed various kinds of lighters. I swiveled instantly and grabbed a bunch of different sizes of lighters and enabled her to choose. “No, no, no. Big! Big! Big!” she exclaimed. I was clueless and in a split second, I got it. She wanted to purchase a lighter produced by the manufacturer, called “BIC.” I scanned the item, collected the money and said, “Have a good night!”

As soon as she waddled out the door, I sighed. “Why don’t they make things a little bit easier to a foreigner by saying, “May I have a lighter which its brand name is “BIC”?” Then, all the misunderstandings can be resolved. Amen!

"World Peace" with a response of "Hell No"

Thanksgiving was last Thursday, four days ago. I was invited to a family in the farm which is about 50 miles away from where I live, Cleveland, Ohio. You may ask the question, "Hey, Cotton Boy, haven't we entered to the metric era two decades ago? Why are you still using miles instead of kilometers?" The answer is not complicated because Americans don't want to change, I believe. Let's make it simple, 1 "Mile" is equal to 1.60934 "Kilometer" (km). I will not be able to currently provide you the total km that I had maneuvered; you have to do the math on your own as I am still quite confused and dazzled by constantly converting the length, weight, area, speed and more between the metric system used in Asia and the imperial system traditionally well-adapted in the U.S.  In conclusion, it took me slightly more than an hour to reach the destination by driving.

While I was on the road, both sides were covered thousands acres of corn fields. The acute dwindling temperature perished the lengthy leafy corn stalks. Many of them were still attaching ears but they all looked deceased with the lifeless color of light brown. I pondered when the farmers will return to the land, cut the dry stalks, bundle them and plant new baby corns. For your reference, 37% of the United States acres are corn fields and the State of Ohio has a big share of the figure.

My friend’s family’s farm house is gigantic. The size of her property is bigger than a leisure park in Hong Kong. If I take a walk around the parameter, it will probably consume at least 45 minutes to return the point where I began. I won’t be going into details of this farm in which chicken and goats are outnumbering to the residents.

During the Thanksgiving dinner, we prayed and chatted. I, as a Chinese, in fact, have had no tradition practicing the celebration of Thanksgiving. Who do I thank? Many Chinese don’t believe in god as Communism ridded him out; or god, in fact, never exists according to our teachings. “Wait a minute, to assimilate and immerse correctly to the culture, I need to make a toast to thank God for what we have. I loudly presented, “WORLD PEACE” before the meal was served.

The direct response from one of the home owners was, “World peace? Hell No, who cares about it? Let’s put the world economy as the first priority. We are not holding a beauty pageant competition.” I looked down and rubbed my fingers; all these countries were emerging gradually in my mind; “Afghanistan, Iraq, Syria, Congo, Somalia…” I thought I did a good job of showing my caring side during these festive seasons. I guess from now on, “World peace” should be replaced by “World economy”. Does it sound better? Please don't say “Hell No” to me.

Cold Sore and Herpes are not the same.

Is Cotton Boy too ignorant or, perhaps, too innocent that I don't have a clear definition between "Cold Sore" and "Herpes". I thought they were the same. If I have to specify the position whether I have it on my top or my bottom. (Of course, I never have it to appear at my down under to nurture). I address them as Type I which is on the top position; Type II is on our private part, genital that how we differentiate in Hong Kong.

However, it is not the case of how we define these two terms in America. Yesterday afternoon, I had an outbreak. A red spot started tingling and prickling under my right nostril. First, I scratched and pinched as I thought they were just a bunch of  pimples coincidentally clustering at one spot. A couple hours later, it became swollen and hurtful. I felt that particular area of my skin cells were mutating, expanding and blistering. I went directly to the mirror, and distressly gulped an enormous breath of oxygen, and sighed out with a deflated lip the words, "I have Herpes!" I rampantly fumbled to look for some ointment to put on the affected spot, stopping  them  from growing or crawling to other areas. I muttered, "Why do they choose me again? I hate having them. I am going to a party tonight ; I have to look decent and pretty. The day after tomorrow I will be starting a new job and surely don't want to scare my new co-worker away from me."

I put a layer of "Abreva", a wet creamy medicine which supposes is the best curing medcine to speed up the healing process. I waited and waited but it seemed the hateful group of blisters was ready to erupt into a brutal explosion before a few hours before the party started.

"Should I call off? Am I too self conscious? No one really care, right? I am not in my 20s anymore." These thoughts ran through my mind repeatedly. I entered the party and my first thing to conduct is to inform my good friends that I have, "Herpes". My friends stepped backward and their eyes were enlarged as twice as big as normal. "What? Cotton Boy, you have herpes? Where is it?", they furrowed their brows and asked. I pointed at my mark under my nose. "Hey, Cotton Boy, it is not "Herpes". We call it as "Cold Sores" or "Fever Blisters". Never mislead anyone that you have "Herpes". Others will think you have bubble blisters around your gential or arse area. They are lethal sexaul transmitted infection (STI). Many Americans have cold sores. No big deal and calm down."

I went home and checked the wikipedia and discovered, " Cold Sores affect 57.7% of Americans tested in a 1999-2004 study. By age 50, 80%–90% of adults have the virus.  More than 50 million adults in the U.S. develop symptomatic episodes every year. Cold sores have a rate of frequency that varies from rare episodes to 12 or more recurrences per year. Most sufferers experience one to three attacks annually." (Source from Wikipedia)

Wow...having cold sore just part of our lives. I am just one of the many Americans. Welcome to USA.